Tiger–No longer a virtuous role model?
December 3, 2009 by Will Marre
Tiger Woods has really been in the news lately. And the stories are not about his golf game. Instead the stories are about Tiger acting, well, like a tiger. I respect his privacy. But even though he is, after all, just an athlete and his private life should be private, I think many of us are a little disappointed that he’s admitted his struggle with his own testosterone.
Why? Because we long for virtuous role models whether they’re athletes, politicians, religious leaders or business tycoons. We admire people who in the face of outrageous temptation act on moral virtue. It seems rare among the famous, rich and powerful. But like many rare things, it is highly valued. Perhaps we value the moral commitment of fidelity because it is so hard, so “unnatural.” We live in a media world that thrives on serving up stimulation and novelty. It is easy to stimulate the brain juice of dopamine showing reckless infatuation turning to instant sex. It’s more difficult portraying the fulfillment of deep and enduring intimacy based on mutual trust and commitment.
I know, trust and commitment just don’t sound all that exciting. But as I point out in my book, Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner, it turns out that trust and commitment are the bedrock of human happiness and deep life satisfaction. It also turns out that no greater emotional pain can be felt or caused than betrayal. Maybe all of this commitment stuff is such a powerful human force precisely because it is unnatural. I often read that evolutionary biologists claim that monogamy is unrealistic. Men, we are told, are biologically designed to spread their DNA to as many partners as possible. Sociologists wonder if being married to one person over a lifetime is too “unnatural” because our modern lifetimes are so long. But most of us admire multi-decade marriages. We admire fidelity and honest commitment precisely because these things are so unnatural.
Of course commitment and trust cannot be given blindly. Our personal dignity requires that trust and respect must be mutual. Commitment to an exploiter is an act of self-destruction. However we must take care not to label our partner’s quirks and interests as intolerable or selfish as a weapon to work our own agenda.
It’s hard to be patient, wise and fair. What is “natural” is to be selfish, self absorbed, and exploitative like Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men. Sure it’s funny. But we can’t build a civilization by acting natural. What most of us admire are people who act unnatural. People whose commitment is greater than their moods. People whose purpose is greater than their self-interest. People who value self-control as much as self-expression. We admire this because these are qualities of our higher selves. Qualities of our soul. They are the pinnacle qualities of what it means to be truly human more than just evolutionary blobs of selfish protoplasm. Enduring love matched with fierce commitment is unnatural, and that’s why it’s so sublime.
So I offer my best wishes and highest hopes for Tiger and his family. I must also tell you that I don’t speak of these things as an idealist. I have been roughed-up plenty by life’s surprises and gut-wrenching relationships. Lasting intimacy is the battleground of happiness and the hard road of fortitude. At the same time I am convinced there is no other road I’d rather travel because when there is a break in the forest, the views are breathtaking and the oxygen is pure.
So what’s the best thing we can do? Love like our life depends on it.
I have a real simple solution to this! Make anything to do with marriage separate property going in and out of the partnership! Get rid of community property law and you get rid of all the leaches and parasites like Judges, Lawyers, politicians, media, law enforcement, psychologists, and the rest whom live off the fortunes that individual makes with his or her own talent! You also get rid of most the home wreckers trying to hitch onto someone else’s fortune!
See, No more drama for the parasites!
What a crock. Every week we have to listen to another complaint about some “fallen” hero. Ever wonder why most cultures have hero stories about ficticious heroes? I’m pushing 60, and I’ve never had a role model in my life; nor do I want one. Want a role model? Pick a dead one. They’re all virtue and no hormone.
One of the aspects of Mr. Woods’ situation that is oppressive for thought is the disappointment of the values impressed upon him by his father regarding honesty and commitment. His father Earl, may have made mistakes and made the effort to pass on his value system to avert this type of soulless tragedy. In this case, it is not the ultimate tragedy, and is seemingly more redeemable by Tiger’s own will. People around him are equally aghast, and many more closer are possibly accepting and enabling.
We can desire what he has, but even he did not take it seriously enough to protect what he truly loves. Elin, his wife may or may not have been enraged or demonstrated her will in the matter, but the steps have been taken to maximize the possibility for a way toward healing. The law issues resolved, the eager press and media are fed, and their is going to be retribution from aggrieved sponsors.
Whatever it takes to heal the family is the most important. If he at fails this, even he will be in a spin. The less loyal will bail-out, and he experience loss. The most loyal relationships family and business will remain. In his superb case, all he has to do is perform well to continue his arc.
We all wonder if we would have the same steel reserve to resist the sleaze factor given his gifts and resolve to excel. Of course, I think that ‘I’ would, but when faced with temptations, do any of us excel all the time?
In not being impressed, was never enamored with the Tiger phenomena, but have ultimate respect for his game and what he has done for golf. The enigma of his sheer will is fascinating, but have to agree he has not been a role model and this revelation does not crush me. I have witnessed his momentary misbehaviors near him on the course. But I certainly did not expect this outward life display to occur.
Best to find “role models” to look up to closer to home. I’m more inspired by everyday people I know than by any movie star or sports star. Since we are so mobil today this is much harder. Who lives for years next to a kind neighbor or a local merchant that always knows how to help us. But, I remember our shoe store owner Charlie who always delighted my mother when he tried so hard to fit us kids with the right, healthy shoe. I remember the butcher who prepared Mother’s meat order so perfectly. I remember a milkman who let us ride a few houses down in the truck for fun. As a little girI, I adored our neighbor who grew gorgeous roses and shared cuttings. I thought a gardner was a god. Life used to be filled with everyday people who brought delight and smiles to daily life. Looking back I see a simplicity but, beauty to those times. Sure those folks were not perfect but, as an adult I’ve come to see that it takes personal strength to edit out all the nonsense and keep the good and hold fast to it. I think really we are all more like George Baily in a Wonderful LIfe than we sometimes remember. We’re drawn to the famous like a moth to a light like Tiger Woods but, really how silly to make him our role model when we really don’t know him. Tiger as a hero is not building on reality. Reality is coming to admire and look up to real people that we know in our everyday life. Its not easy in these mobile times anymore but, it is possible.
Gee, something completely different that we’ve never seen before . . . NOT!
How many “stars” (a totally meaningless and overused misnomer) have imploded and self-destructed because they started believing their media coverage and thinking they were invincible in life as they were on the field, the court or the course. The only problem was that they believed their skill at whatever sport or entertainment art would also enable their success in the game of life. Wrong again. The rules for success in life and as a human being really have nothing to do with sports and entertainment skills. And add a run away and totally insecure ego and there you have it and this time his/her name is Tiger. The game is the same, the only thing that changes is the name. Any bets on which of our “stars” is going to be the next one brought down by himself/herself.
I second what Naomi said and lets look for and select our stars/ heroes from among those fellow humans who just go about the business of living alongside us every day and who do it with grace, love and caring for all whose paths they cross. We all truly reap what we sow, but some, sad to say, are blinded by their press clippings, sound bites and video clips with which we are daily barraged and programmed.
Why is everyone so surprised by this? Tiger is a human being just like everyone else. He is a sinner just like everyone else. I find it just as troubling that we feel we can stand in judgement of him.
Like all people he is as broken as the rest of us. Some of us have discovered that there is a true role model out there but He is NOT dead. He lives. When people learn that they are not qualified to be in charge of their own lives and give their lives over to God then the true blessings of life can be achieved. These main blessings are gratitude and inner joy in any circumstances.Life is hard. How we choose to respond to hardship is up to each of us.
It is quite possible that Tiger is meant to grow from this and discover that all his talent and all he has is a gift from God and that he might learn that all his talent and money can not bring the blessings that true surrender to the Lord can bring.
Are we really surprised that another human being has caused his own fall? It should be reassuring to know that all people are capable of this and will go through challenges in their lives. I will be more interested with how Tiger comes out of this than I am with the sordid details of the scandal itself.
Role models are nice and so are heros but to expect any human being to be a role model is to assume that people have the answer and can show us the rest of us the way.
There is only one person who I know of who can show any of us the way. That person is Jesus Christ the Lord. His birthday is coming up this month, maybe as a present to ourselves we can cast aside the ways of this world and try, as I hope Tiger will, to turn from our own sins and think twice before judging our fellow man. That’s not our job!
Merry Christmas,
A fellow human being; imperfect in my own way, just like “super star”, Tiger Woods.
It’s my pleasure to enjoy reading your articles and essays. As for this article about Tiger Woods, I wish to make a comment. You say Tiger Woods is “no longer” a virtuous role model. I disagree with your words of “no longer”. Has he ever been acclaimed as a virtuous role model? if so, by whom? To me, he is merely an excellent golf player being admired as the emperor of golfers. Media seems to make too much fuss of his private life only because he is of great interest. Everybody is open and vulnerable to falling into a trap under the pressure of an unrestrained (but natural) human desire. We don’t have to look to the media in search of people playing role models. Quite a number of people are playing unseen role models on the streets and in our everyday life. It is sad only a shining star is to be observed.
I trust it is clear, that in no way are my following comments meant as a judgment of Tiger. His situation and how he created it and how he handles it going forward is strictly his business, except for the fact he is a celebrity and will be massively exploited by all who see only dollar signs. So instead of being merely illuminated by the bright lights of multi-media attention, he is now being burned by those same lights. Instead of being merely interviewed by those ubiquitous individuals wielding the microphones and cameras, he is being severely judged and lynched while they all repeat and savor every sordid new detail, multiple times each hour throughout the day.
Who is the real Tiger Woods? Just like the rest of us he is many things, both good and flawed, strong and weak. Yes, he reached the pinnacle of the game of golf but at what cost? Certainly no judgment or reflection on his deceased father, but the fact is that Tiger was raised with an extreme discipline and focus in one area, golf. As a result, he achieved everything his father ever could have dreamed and more. But who knows, except for Tiger himself, what possibly important things of childhood and adolescence he may have never experienced or understood fully due to the fixation on golf.
Celebrity or not, we are all human beings. The problems start when the media create a personna that appears to be above and better than everyone else for whatever reason, money, fame, ability, etc. We as individuals all create every aspect of our lives every day, celebrity or not, and the total responsibility is ours and ours alone. Bad choices and good choices, we all make both kinds but the difference is we aren’t being followed around by those who want to discover our mistakes and shine a bright light on them for all to see. The mantra of the media seems to be that “we have raised you up and therefore we sure as hell have an equal right to take you down.” How would you and I like to live this way? I for one don’t need or want the fame or the spotlight.
If Tiger’s Dad were still alive, I wonder what kind of conversation they would be having about this situation? I don’t know the words they would speak but I’ll bet they would be spoken with love, understanding and forgiveness. Tiger has dug himself a very deep hole that only he and his choices going forward, and not his PR machine, can resolve. Let’s leave him alone to hopefully make better future decisions to try to clean up the personal mess he has created. Lessons learned are only lessons . . . if not learned. As a fellow human being, I wish him the best. Time and, sorry to say, the media will tell.
One more comment and then I’ll quit. ALWAYS - “Be careful what you wish for.”
Tiger is a great golfer. He is not a political leader, or clergy, or other public figure that requires saint hood. And though none of these, he is a neat person. And, he still is a neat person. As for his wife’s view, depending on the structure of their relationship, he may or may not be seen as so neat. But then again, depending on their understanding, he may still be seen as the beautiful person that he is.
Trust could be an issue, but we do not know what the Wood’s relationship is like. An agreed on, open relationship with set rules can include seeing an occasional other person. It would be hopeful this is the case. If not, then it is an issue of trust.
Not trust between Tiger and the public, but between Tiger and his wife and child, it really is none of our business. Tiger never said he was a saint, nor has he said that he was a puritan, we just assumed. Instead, the tabloid stories reveal him to be human, as we all are.
It would have been nice if the Press kept their tabloid nose out of it until they had the facts, rather than smearing people based on a prudish, preconceived, manufactured morality that few adhere to in a modern society. The societal constructs I live within does have a set of virtues that one can aspire too but none, to my knowledge, have ever fully met nor embraced totally… certainly not me! Instead, it is left as something to strive for.
Every time something like this happens, this society has this seemingly endless need to analyze it to death. Like someone said earlier, I don’t have any role models. I can admire someone’s athletic or other skills and talents and even think of them as my favorite athlete, but that’s where it stops. We don’t have a slightest idea what is this person’s personal life about because we don’t know them and that is all. So, who gives a right to judge them? Let’s let Tiger re-group and get back to what he does the best: Play golf!
“To thine own self be true, how then can thee be false to any man?”
Only Tiger Woods knows whether he was being true to himself or not. He needs to look at the “man in the mirror” and reflect upon:
When you get what you want in your search for self
And the world makes you king for the day
Just go to the mirror and ask yourself
What that man has to say…
Mr. Cooney said,
‘It would have been nice if the Press kept their tabloid nose out of it until they had the facts’.
I second this remark, and the Fourth Estate has repeatedly made mistakes and then follow it with rationales for their actions. ‘A lie is the theft of an invaluable truth’. Tiger’s problems are truly his own, but has the capability to make them worse as the last few days have shown.
As for the conversation Earl (father) may have had regarding this might have been is a interesting question, but we do not really know. Earl had a reputation from facts, but I believe he wanted to impart to Tiger to be of stronger fibre than his own fabric of life. Would have loved to know what the outcome could have been. The Tiger could rise to a role model status, rather than the trappings of a ‘hero’ or the weight of it.