Who’s Your Most Important Customer?

We are all vulnerable to the vitality of “customer” relationships.  In business we’re economically vulnerable.  But in our personal life we are even more fragile.  Our mental, emotional and spiritual sense of well-being is deeply tied to the quality of our personal relationships.  After all, our loved ones are “consumers” of us.  Our thoughts, moods, values, interests and personality.  And everyday they vote their feelings by the quality and level of intimacy of attention they give us.

I have two clients who are senior executives for the same high-pressure company.  They are unusual because they have been married to each other for over 10 years. When I first started working with Chad I couldn’t help noticing his enthusiasm when he talked about his wife.  He was wild about her in every way.  He thought she was a brilliant executive—creative, compelling, efficient.  On a personal level, the raves were even sweeter; he called her an amazing wife and a gifted mother.

Carole spoke about Chad as if he were a god.  The most brilliant, visionary leader she had every seen.  A sensitive husband and a loving father.  She freely used words like adore and admire, and she meant them.  To hear two people separately talk about each other with such affection and idealism is exceedingly rare.  For husbands and wives in business together, it is virtually unheard of. 

As I continued to work with Chad and Carole, I discovered two things.  One, they consciously focus on the quality of their relationship and use something called Active Advocacy.  That is, they are each other’s greatest fan, and they aren’t shy about making that known. Second, they spend time together.  Whenever they aren’t working, they are together, and they invest at least an hour a day in nothing but personal communication with each other.

So what’s up with Chad and Carole?  Are they just obnoxiously lucky?  Well maybe, but their relationship is built on pillars anyone can employ to change the energy of their relationships.  There are three main things we can do to create better primary relationships.  I call them the Three Pillars of Love:

 1.  Understand

 2.  Involve

 3.  Affirm

To Understand

The prime need of a human being in a relationship is to be understood.  We can only provide understanding when we value others intrinsically.  This means we don’t value them for how they please, fulfill, serve, or satisfy us, but for whom they are in and of themselves.  We don’t appreciate their good qualities alone but the whole package.  We treasure their extraordinary gifts and the quirks that others may find annoying.  We taste the spice that makes their entire dish unique.  Only when we value another intrinsically can empathy flow. 

Conversation is vital to understanding.  Couples who are romantic talk a lot.  Little conversations throughout the day. Other couples, on the contrary, seem to get their entire talking life “over with” when they’re falling in love.  During those hormone-enhanced early days, they lose track of time and talk all night.  But lasting romance requires continued soul conversation.  Without knowing the depth of our beloved, there is nothing real to love.  All we see or hear is the superficial, the practical.  We lose sight of the good stuff, the soul stuff.  

To Involve

A blissful relationship requires hands-on involvement.  It is not enough to tolerate the interests of our loved ones; it isn’t even enough to support them.  If we want love that lives and breathes, we must involve ourselves in their interests.  At least some of the time.  We don’t have to be involved in everything they do, but we should try to be involved in the special things.  The things that appear to give them special satisfaction.   That’s where the love payoff really is. 

To Affirm

Affirming is simple.  As soon as you notice someone doing something well, being kind or thoughtful, expressing his/her gifts, or looking good, you mention it.  Say it as soon as you think it.  The habit of affirmation is one of the most powerful loving skills you can develop.  Why we keep our positive thoughts a secret is a great mystery.   

Dan Baker, Director of the Life Enhancement Center at Canyon Ranch, cites research confirming this. “When we affirm others, we use parts of our neo-cortex that generate positive moods.  Affirming stimulates neuro-transmitters that are mood elevators.  Those who affirm and love others are making themselves happy.”  It’s simple.  Want to feel better?  Make someone else feel better.

Of course the three pillars of love don’t just work with a spouse or romantic partner.  Understanding, involving and affirming can turn up the quality of any relationship whether with children, parents, friends, even customers…everyone.  And it’s free.  It costs nothing, but the payoff is life’s jackpot. 

 

This article was originally published in The Deluxe Knowledge Quarterly KQ3 2008.