Building Trust in an Age of Distrust

We swim in a sea of cynicism.  We wonder if anything is what it appears to be.  Everyone seems to be trying to talk you and me into believing his or her promise.  It seems that everyone has an idea about how to make our lives better.  They promise if we believe what they believe, vote for who they vote for, buy what they buy, we will be happy.  Tens of billions of dollars and a gazillion work hours are spent coming up with ways for someone to get their ideas in our minds, their brand in our hearts and their hands on our wallets.  All of these relentless sophisticated attempts to persuade us to do what they want us to adds to our exhausting way of life.  It’s stressful defending ourselves against all these unwanted attacks on our attention.  That’s why connecting with people who have no agenda for us other than helping us get clear on what we want is like breathing oxygen in an otherwise toxic smog of mass manipulation.  And it’s the pure oxygen of mutual service that human beings long for in all relationships whether it’s a marriage, a parent-child or a 10-minute relationship with a customer.

Years ago when I was helping Stephen Covey build our leadership practice I did most of the selling.  He told me, “Don’t sell; just seek to understand and help them find a path to get what they really want.”  So I’ve spent the better part of my professional life studying how to coach people to make their best choices.  It’s called motivation theory, and it’s a field chuck-full of fascinating research about why we do what we do and also why we often don’t do what’s best for us.  Here’s what I’ve discovered.

1. Our power to change minds principally comes from our own sincerity. If we are focused on the interests of those we’re seeking to help rather than our self-interest, our positive intentions will be felt and trust will spout.
2. Control and manipulation are trust killers whenever we try to control others’ choices, and when we manipulate to motivate we are poisoning the relationship. Manipulation is psychological poison that like a snake biting itself will eventually drain us of our life energy.  And there will be no mirror we will wish to look at.
3. Help others harness their self-determination to choose what they most desire. We are much more likely to follow through on choices we freely make.  The reasons we don’t are most often confusion because our choices aren’t clear.  Deep trust is built with people who help us get clear on what we want and why we want it.  This elevation of self-determined choices increases the motivation to follow through.
4. Helping others gain the confidence to choose what’s best is our best gift to them. The greatest hidden reason we don’t choose what’s best for ourselves is that we often lack the confidence that we can do what needs to be done to get the result.  So we act like we don’t want to learn to play the piano, learn a language, use technology, or seek a new job when it’s our fear of failure that keeps us from choosing what we really desire.
5. The most powerful way to build confidence that we can choose what we really want, learn what we need to learn and do what we need to do is to identify with stories of people just like us who were successful. This last point is critical to help people change their behavior.  By telling stories of others who are just like them who have made successful choices, people’s fear and resistance recedes and their motivation to act rises.  Stories are narratives that reveal how people overcome obstacles and conflict to achieve their dreams.  Stories inspire our minds to find new paths around brick walls.  New brain research suggests there is nothing more potent than a story to open a closed mind.

All of us have times where we desire to have a positive impact on others.  Now psychological research confirms what wise people have known all along.  We have the most impact when we genuinely care for people enough that our agenda is simply to help those we serve achieve their agenda.

Tiger–No longer a virtuous role model?

Tiger Woods has really been in the news lately.  And the stories are not about his golf game.  Instead the stories are about Tiger acting, well, like a tiger.  I respect his privacy. But even though he is, after all, just an athlete and his private life should be private, I think many of us are a little disappointed that he’s admitted his struggle with his own testosterone.

Why?  Because we long for virtuous role models whether they’re athletes, politicians, religious leaders or business tycoons.  We admire people who in the face of outrageous temptation act on moral virtue.  It seems rare among the famous, rich and powerful.  But like many rare things, it is highly valued.  Perhaps we value the moral commitment of fidelity because it is so hard, so “unnatural.”  We live in a media world that thrives on serving up stimulation and novelty.  It is easy to stimulate the brain juice of dopamine showing reckless infatuation turning to instant sex.  It’s more difficult portraying the fulfillment of deep and enduring intimacy based on mutual trust and commitment.

I know, trust and commitment just don’t sound all that exciting.  But as I point out in my book, Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner, it turns out that trust and commitment are the bedrock of human happiness and deep life satisfaction.  It also turns out that no greater emotional pain can be felt or caused than betrayal.  Maybe all of this commitment stuff is such a powerful human force precisely because it is unnatural.  I often read that evolutionary biologists claim that monogamy is unrealistic.  Men, we are told, are biologically designed to spread their DNA to as many partners as possible.  Sociologists wonder if being married to one person over a lifetime is too “unnatural” because our modern lifetimes are so long.  But most of us admire multi-decade marriages.  We admire fidelity and honest commitment precisely because these things are so unnatural.

Of course commitment and trust cannot be given blindly.  Our personal dignity requires that trust and respect must be mutual.  Commitment to an exploiter is an act of self-destruction.  However we must take care not to label our partner’s quirks and interests as intolerable or selfish as a weapon to work our own agenda.

It’s hard to be patient, wise and fair.  What is “natural” is to be selfish, self absorbed, and exploitative like Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men.  Sure it’s funny.  But we can’t build a civilization by acting natural.  What most of us admire are people who act unnatural.  People whose commitment is greater than their moods.  People whose purpose is greater than their self-interest.  People who value self-control as much as self-expression.  We admire this because these are qualities of our higher selves.  Qualities of our soul.  They are the pinnacle qualities of what it means to be truly human more than just evolutionary blobs of selfish protoplasm.  Enduring love matched with fierce commitment is unnatural, and that’s why it’s so sublime.

So I offer my best wishes and highest hopes for Tiger and his family.  I must also tell you that I don’t speak of these things as an idealist.  I have been roughed-up plenty by life’s surprises and gut-wrenching relationships.  Lasting intimacy is the battleground of happiness and the hard road of fortitude.  At the same time I am convinced there is no other road I’d rather travel because when there is a break in the forest, the views are breathtaking and the oxygen is pure.

So what’s the best thing we can do?  Love like our life depends on it.