Become Whole–Become Part of The Integrity of Everything

I have been off the grid.  I went surfing in Southern Nicaragua.  The waves were big.  Overhead everyday.  Powerful.  Awesome really.  I surfed 5 to 6 hours a day.  That’s possible for me only in warm tropical water because it soothes my old muscles lengthening my greybeard stamina.  As inspiring and joyful as the surf was, I was surprised to be more inspired by two books I found myself reading.  The first is Einstein’s God by Krista Tippett who has a regular podcast called Speaking of Faith in which she interviews certified brainiacs, mostly scientists, who have deepened their spiritual faith and continue to seek for ultimate answers even as they discover the immediate workings of our material world.

The other book I discovered on the bookshelf where I was staying was called Essential Spirituality by Roger Walsh, MD, PhD.  Walsh’s book is a guide to spiritual exercise found in all major religions that can lead us to insight and take us to the essential virtues of a well-lived life.

So I found myself alternating between warm water waves washing away the accumulated stresses of 21^st century life and the waves of new implications of wisdom.  I found myself washing away my frustrations of doing much but accomplishing little. Daily, I struggle to do more…not by doing more, but by doing better.  It is a continual question of what to cut out and where to go deeper.  The quest is always for a higher level of integrity.  Not just with myself but with “all that exists.”  I find myself bouncing between the emotions of outrage at the outrages of our time and the wiser emotions of focusing on the things over which I have some control.  My time in the waves left me with a conviction that it’s desirable to embrace all my emotions as long as I don’t become them.  Authenticity requires that I feel my feelings while wisdom informs my choices of how to act or not act.

Let me get back on track with some cool things I learned or relearned that are already helping me choose where to put my energy.

Albert Einstein explicitly wrote about two realities.  One dimension is the one we live in consciously.  It began with the big bang 13.7 billion years ago where an atom of hydrogen exploded into what’s become our world.  It’s a dimension of time and space.  Einstein wrote that the other dimension has neither time nor space.  Just a constant now.  Of that we know little except that it must exist for our dimension to exist.  Science focuses on explaining our time/space reality but has nothing to offer in terms of describing the timeless (spiritual) dimension.  He wrote of a transcendence being a consciousness beyond “the vanity of human desires.”

In his autobiography, The World As I See It, Einstein wrote of his endless curiosity toward “a knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty.”  Einstein was continually amazed at the mathematical elegance of the universe feeling like mathematics revealed the thoughts of a universal creative force.  Einstein believed in the indestructible nature of energy and comforted the Queen of Belgium who was grieving the death of a loved one writing, “There is, after all, something eternal that lies beyond the hand of fate and all human delusions.”

Einstein, like all of us, asked the question as to whether the universe has a point.  Or even more personally, does our existence have a point. The nearly universal answer is that the question of all questions can only be answered by direct experiences that create a personal connection between our time dimension and the timeless.  These are not irrational experiences.  They are trans-rational.  In rational-materialism only the strong and powerful thrive.  In this “objectivist” delusion compassion, kindness, and reverence for the lives of others seems irrational.  But experiences in the timeless dimension let us know that virtue, empathy, and love matter most of all.  It’s this spiritual-timeless energy that motivates our aspiration for moral order and civilization that reveres both moral and social order.  This is our impulse to transcend self-interest and see all of existence as a connected system of energy.  Life and non-life connected.  It’s in moments of transcendence that we release ourselves from our self-obsessions and become fearless in serving others through our talents, skills, resources and the sheer force of our creative will.  This is the beginning of integrity.

How do we become members of both the time and timeless? This is what Roger Walsh writes about in Essential Spirituality.  What it takes is a commitment to spiritual fitness as strong as our physical fitness.  Our door to the timeless is to focus more frequently on the richness of what is happening now.  Brain research confirms practicing being fully present creates new neuron networks that move our mental energy from our fear-reactive limbic brain center to our wiser reflective pre-frontal cortex.  It’s literally these neuron networks that give feelings of well-being and opens our minds to see opportunities instead of problems.  These are the brain centers that dissipate stress and deepen contentment.  Here are three simple exercises:

1. Deep Mindfulness.  Taste your food.  One time each day eat something and focus your entire attention on the taste and texture of your food.  Narrate these sensations in your mind.  Listen to music.  Once a day listen to a piece of music while trying to identify each sound with its source instrument or voice.  Listen for feelings instead of content.  Once a day listen to someone with your whole attention focused on what they might be feeling instead of just the content of their words.  You will feel love.
2. Practice Learnfulness.  Once you actively, purposefully adopt the inner belief that you can benefit from anything that happens in your life you will fear less.  This is the trigger to contentment.  Once, when I had gone through a very rough patch of major disappointments a friend said, “Well, the worst happened and you’re still okay—so there’s nothing to ever be afraid of again.”  I reflect on that whenever I’m afraid.  We can become wiser from all experiences.  In the timeless dimension we have nothing to fear.  Nothing.
3. Paradoxical Gratitude.  Once we accept that our life purpose is centrally about learning all that we can learn from anything, even personal tragedy, we are free to be grateful.  This exercise is one in which we say, “I am grateful for this and it’s opposite.”  I am grateful when the sun shines; I am grateful when it rains.  I am grateful when I am with friends; I am grateful when I am alone.  I am grateful when I have extra money; I am grateful when I don’t have enough.  Huh.  I know it sounds as stupid as Paris Hilton’s dog, but don’t take my word for it.  Try it.  Right now.  See what your “mind” tells you about why you can be grateful for rain, aloneness, or being short of cash.  I think you’ll be surprised.

Let me finish with a famous quote by Albert Einstein:

“A human being is part of the whole called the universe…He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest.  This delusion of consciousness is a kind of prison restricting us to personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.  Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

This is the essence of morality.  It is the foundation of sustainability.  We become whole when we become part of “the integrity of everything.”  In Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner I write about living in integrity.  To fulfill our Promise by making our difference.  So often we find ourselves distracted working hard to achieve other people’s goals or working to pay our debts often accumulated by selling our peace of mind for things that offer little enjoyment and less joy.  I am convinced we cannot live our dream until we awaken from the life that happens to us and live the life our higher self wishes to engage in.  Even if we are “successful” by the definition of people who do not understand us, that success is an anchor rather than a sail.  To find the wind I have found that connecting to the timeless gives energy and direction to my time.  And there are moments of beam-reach when the vessel and wind cut through the waters of life without friction.  These are great moments.  But they are appreciated because of all the other moments of tackling against the wind or hunting for it.  Good sailing to all.

How Ha is Changing the World

Just around the corner from Ha’s humble home he built a palm tree pavilion on the beach. There is a small wide spot in the road with this beautiful beach, one of the most popular surfing breaks in that part of Maui. He decided to adopt it as his park. Of course, he didn’t ask for permission. He just cleans it every day, built this pavilion, and makes sure that the area is clean and sanitary. He also makes sure that everyone has a place to sit and what they need on the beach. He brings the spirit of aloha wherever he goes and yes, he works for a living as a landscaper. Ha is the epitome of Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner. By creating his own park, he is making paradise just a little bit sweeter.

“Is What I’ve Become Largely Because of What Other People Expected Me to Become?”

I had a great compliment from one of my executive clients two nights ago. He was on a business trip cursing me for my new book.He said,

“Normally I read a book like this in a couple of hours. I just digest this kind of stuff, but yours drives me crazy. I have to re-read it, ponder it, and think about it. I’m asking myself questions I haven’t asked myself in decades and some are questions I’ve never asked myself before. Now, I’m wondering if what I’ve become is largely because of what other people expected me to become. I haven’t thought about that, at least not in a long long time. I hate you. Thanks so much for writing your book.”

For me that is just a great payoff. It’s exactly what I was hoping for. People ask me how long it took me to write the book and I say, 60 years. I put everything I’ve learned in it and in the most distinct way possible. Just to get that one response makes me feel like it was worthwhile.

Tiger–No longer a virtuous role model?

Tiger Woods has really been in the news lately.  And the stories are not about his golf game.  Instead the stories are about Tiger acting, well, like a tiger.  I respect his privacy. But even though he is, after all, just an athlete and his private life should be private, I think many of us are a little disappointed that he’s admitted his struggle with his own testosterone.

Why?  Because we long for virtuous role models whether they’re athletes, politicians, religious leaders or business tycoons.  We admire people who in the face of outrageous temptation act on moral virtue.  It seems rare among the famous, rich and powerful.  But like many rare things, it is highly valued.  Perhaps we value the moral commitment of fidelity because it is so hard, so “unnatural.”  We live in a media world that thrives on serving up stimulation and novelty.  It is easy to stimulate the brain juice of dopamine showing reckless infatuation turning to instant sex.  It’s more difficult portraying the fulfillment of deep and enduring intimacy based on mutual trust and commitment.

I know, trust and commitment just don’t sound all that exciting.  But as I point out in my book, Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner, it turns out that trust and commitment are the bedrock of human happiness and deep life satisfaction.  It also turns out that no greater emotional pain can be felt or caused than betrayal.  Maybe all of this commitment stuff is such a powerful human force precisely because it is unnatural.  I often read that evolutionary biologists claim that monogamy is unrealistic.  Men, we are told, are biologically designed to spread their DNA to as many partners as possible.  Sociologists wonder if being married to one person over a lifetime is too “unnatural” because our modern lifetimes are so long.  But most of us admire multi-decade marriages.  We admire fidelity and honest commitment precisely because these things are so unnatural.

Of course commitment and trust cannot be given blindly.  Our personal dignity requires that trust and respect must be mutual.  Commitment to an exploiter is an act of self-destruction.  However we must take care not to label our partner’s quirks and interests as intolerable or selfish as a weapon to work our own agenda.

It’s hard to be patient, wise and fair.  What is “natural” is to be selfish, self absorbed, and exploitative like Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men.  Sure it’s funny.  But we can’t build a civilization by acting natural.  What most of us admire are people who act unnatural.  People whose commitment is greater than their moods.  People whose purpose is greater than their self-interest.  People who value self-control as much as self-expression.  We admire this because these are qualities of our higher selves.  Qualities of our soul.  They are the pinnacle qualities of what it means to be truly human more than just evolutionary blobs of selfish protoplasm.  Enduring love matched with fierce commitment is unnatural, and that’s why it’s so sublime.

So I offer my best wishes and highest hopes for Tiger and his family.  I must also tell you that I don’t speak of these things as an idealist.  I have been roughed-up plenty by life’s surprises and gut-wrenching relationships.  Lasting intimacy is the battleground of happiness and the hard road of fortitude.  At the same time I am convinced there is no other road I’d rather travel because when there is a break in the forest, the views are breathtaking and the oxygen is pure.

So what’s the best thing we can do?  Love like our life depends on it.

Who do you work for?

With the publication of my new book, Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner, I’ve posted a survey at www.SavetheWorldBook.com to help you determine whether you work for an enterprise that is helping forge a sustainable future or one that is trapped in the dying ideas of business-as-usual.  Who we work for is important.  If we want to change our future we must lead.  There is plenty to be hopeful about, and I want to get a pulse on your experience of the employer you work for or the organization you lead.

Recently I was doing leadership training for the Gap at their San Francisco headquarters.  I like the people at Gap a lot.  They understand how their huge global business can be a force for good, and they are serious about using their economic clout, market reach and worldwide workforce to create a better future than the self-consuming dinosaur business model we’ve trapped ourselves into.

It’s true; we live in a time when confidence in business leadership is at an all time low.  Just look at these statistics:

• 94% of the public does not trust business to regulate itself (AccountAbility).
• 86% view business as negatively impacting the public good (Harris Poll/Business Week).
• 76% of employees have observed illegal or unethical conduct by their employer in the past 12 months! (Harris Poll/Business Week)
• 98% of the public don’t believe CEOs are very trustworthy (NY Times).

This is sad. What’s really sad is that most of us would nod our head in agreement with these polls.  Business is the most powerful institutional force in the world, and the world doesn’t trust it.  That’s because human history has proven it’s not smart to trust that someone else’s self-interest will benefit you in the long run.  The Great Recession has just made that crystal clear.  But there is good news.  It’s that the world has changed.  Citizen consumers and citizen employers have awakened to the fact that we must create a new sustainable future.  One that works for our children.  All our children.  Perhaps nowhere is this more clear than in the market place which is changing at a breathtaking pace.

As more and more consumers and employees have demanded greener, healthier products responsibly made, the number, choices, and quality of these products has skyrocketed.  For instance, every major auto manufacturer is now engineering hybrid models that will be sold in every country in the next few years.  China has adapted tougher auto emissions and mileage standards than we have.  But for some companies like Gap, it’s more than just making t-shirts out of recycled plastic or organic fibers.  Increasingly it’s about human sustainability.

For instance, in Gap factories in developing nations they’ve instituted a personal and professional development program called P.A.C.E.  It’s designed to help under educated young seamstresses strengthen their literacy, their health, their life skills and business acumen.  Gap’s corporate social responsibility is investing in poor women because they are society builders.  And Gap is not alone.  In company after company I visit I see a roaring torrent of programs to enable employees to volunteer for their favorite cause, to raise their business standards on environmental impacts, and to promote health and human rights.

But wait, you say.  Isn’t all this just a little “greenwashing” and image polishing?  After all, it’s corporations that tare down the old-growth rain forests, over-fish our oceans, pollute our air, water and earth, and strip-mine our world from its natural resources.  Exactly.  All of that is true.  But it’s also true that global corporations and fast acting enterprises are the institutions most able to drive fast positive change.  They operate across boarders without political inhibitions.  They must respond in real time to consumer and employee attitudes.  Corporations are self-interested, but consumers determine where that self-interest leads them.  As long as we escalate our insistence on sustainable, responsible products and processes we will get more of them.

And now there is something turbo-charging demand for business responsibility.  It’s a new generation of employees.  The flood of 20 to 30-year old practical idealists who believe we can reshape our businesses into a force of progress and sustainability is raising the tide of positive change.  The energy of sustainability and social good is contagious, and I am seeing an epidemic of virtue take over business-as-usual.

This is not my imagination.  As Gen X independent thinking pragmatists take over more leadership roles, they are more connected to sustainable innovation, cutting bureaucracy and re-inventing our future.  And the new workforce of Gen Y and Millennials (those 16-30) are focused on re-making business into institutions of global sustainability.  What makes this new generation of leaders so potent is their number (126 million—far larger than the 75 million boomers) and their newly developed social technology which is driving change, informing attitudes and creating new business models faster than at any time in history.

I am hopeful this is happening in the nick of time.  We have ignored our problems for too long.  We’ve let what were little brushfires turn into a raging wildfire threatening our heath, our environments, our peace and every other important asset to our quality of life.

What’s the best thing we can do?

Participate in the business revolution!  I am seeing global companies life Gap, Nike, FedEx, and Johnson & Johnson transform themselves at a breathtaking rate.  No, it’s not perfect.  It will take years.  But the speed of change is accelerating.  Just 5 years ago sustainability and corporate social responsibility was something tree huggers and hippies whined about.  Today it is driving corporate strategy.  It’s time to turn up the volume of our demands for business to use their power and innovation to create sustainable value.  It’s time for us, no matter where we work, to transform our daily jobs into a global force for change.  We are the leaders of the sustainability revolution.  You and me.

So who do you work for?  Please take this short 5-minute survey and find out.  It’s a way to amplify your voice by helping us build a database to influence leaders.

And one more thing.  What do you think?  Do you have positive stories of companies, non-profits or individuals transforming the future?  Do you have personal aspirations to do so?  Tell us about them!

Will Marre Vision.org Interview about Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner

The critical issue of leadership today is MORAL INTENT.  If we get very effective people being leaders who don’t have worthwhile moral intent, we get what we’ve got.

In this interview at Chapman University in Orange County, California, Will speaks to Vision about, Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner… about leadership, organizations, changes in the corporate world, personal contentment, and quality relationships.

Listen to it here.

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Engage with Will on Twitter or Facebook

A Personal Declaration of Independence – The American Dream

The real American Dream, the one Thomas Jefferson declared as our birthright to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness was based on the astonishing ideal of creating the best possible society for all citizens.  It was based on the ideals of the Enlightenment that promote creating conditions that offer the most opportunity for happiness and seek to eliminate avoidable suffering.

Our founders understood this would be difficult.  It requires inventing and re-inventing public policy that strives for a high center where the competing values of freedom and responsibility and equality and opportunity can be resolved.  This they knew would be an ongoing challenge because the voices of power and greed would always use fear to try to fool our citizenry into settling for less so the fear mongers could have more.

These strident voices of fear have been active in every generation.  The wealthy aristocrats and trade merchants who prospered by their special interest ties to England screamed we could never win our independence and if we did, it would bring us economic calamity.  The economic interests of the South and their bankers shouted that freeing the slaves would lead to financial ruin.  And the shrill voices of the status quo insisted that the New Deal would create a nation of weaklings and that other people’s suffering was their own damn fault.

Lately fear mongers tell us we can’t afford to save the environment, educate our children, provide reasonable access to health care, produce high-mileage cars, or fire corrupt bankers.  But the truth is always the same.  We can’t afford not to.

Fear is the tool of those who want to steal our minds.  These are the voices of dogmatic demagogues.  They insist their views and values are the only ones that make us safe and secure.  They don’t know what they are talking about.  They are lying because they want to scare us into stealing our minds.  They falsely pose all their favorite issues as either-or problems.  Trade-offs with catastrophic consequences.  Instead of looking for real solutions of the high center, they thrive like pigs in a sty of sloppy logic that stinks of self-interest even as they gain zealous converts who support policies that actually hurt the very people that support them!

Dogmatism is the assertion of an exclusive truth that demands conformity. Dogmatists of any kind are bullies and manipulators. They claim special authority.  They always set up an exclusive chosen group and make everyone who doesn’t conform the enemy.  They endow their opinions with moral superiority and those that disagree with depravity or stupidity.

They have one agenda, to which they will never admit: to rob us of our essential human dignity, our free will.  (Or as one famous political dogmatist asks us to become a “dittohead.”  We don’t have to think.  We can just ditto his prejudices.)   What’s puzzling is that we live in a world full of information.  But strangely dogmatic demagogues are more powerful than ever.  You see they are frighteningly magnetic because they offer certainty in an uncertain world.

Dogmatism in all its forms is flourishing.

Ideological: These are the assertions of outrageous slick multi-millionaire voices of media personalities who have nothing in common with you or me that dominate our radio and television.  They make huge amounts of money by stirring us up, pushing fear like a narcotic.  They can be on the far Right or Left.  The fundamentalists on the Right preach the religion of unregulated capitalism, the good of greed, fear of terrorists, fear of our government, and most of all, fear of everyone who isn’t just like you.  They call our President a racist and a Nazi and encourage us to arm ourselves against an out-of-control government that will invade our homes, clean out our bank accounts and establish a European-style regime that somehow glorifies mediocrity.

Those on the far Left whine and complain about the victimization of the poor and insist that higher taxes is the answer to every social problem.  Their big ideas are 40 years old.  They still haven’t learned that giving people the tools to build self-reliance is much more effective than making them reliant on hand-outs and entitlements.  They declare that culturally everything that is abnormal is now normal and the bizarre is beautiful.  If you don’t agree you are either hateful or a hillbilly.

Loyalty to the dogma of the Right or Left is absolute.  Anyone who disagrees is stupid or evil or both.

Religious: Every major religion has its fundamentalist pulpit-pounders.  Islamic Suicide Bombers believe that salvation filled with sexual pleasures is in store for those who kill innocents.  Christian fundamentalists tell all those who don’t join their version of the holy club are bound for hell.  Some even look forward to the global annihilation of the wicked, so they can exclusively inherit all that is glorious.  And new age gurus tell us personal morality is relative and god is simply a good vibe.  And all those whose beliefs differ are not yet enlightened.

Scientific: These are the arrogant agnostics or militant atheists who claim they have, or soon will have, the explanation to everything worth knowing.  They see their own brains as nature’s highest achievement.  They systematically dismiss as silly and irrelevant any question that science can’t answer but speculate they can solve virtually any problem if they just have the time and money they deserve.  They disdain spiritual believers with knowing looks of intellectual superiority.

All fundamentalists claim to be 100% right.  They proclaim themselves infallible.  Ideologues claim principle, religious leaders claim scripture and scientists claim their process as the source of their authority.  But all of those who would force their beliefs on you are simply bullies who claim opinion as fact.

Do you need someone else to find your truth for you?

Dogmatic fundamentalists who claim they know and you don’t come in all flavors and varieties.  They are not interested in your dreams.  Only theirs.  Dogmatic thinking in politics, religion, science and even families has created more suffering, more conflict, more injustice than any other cause.  Think about it.  The truth is far more than any of us can know.  And the future will be driven by events and forces we cannot possibly detect.  So how can anyone tell you what you absolutely need to do to be safe and secure?

Realize that the whole truth is always more than we know.  More than we can know. An open mind is willing to consider new facts and evidence contrary to one’s existing opinions. Dogmatists insist we close our minds. They assure us they have considered all that is important and that their conclusions are the only correct ones.  Bullies in business suits.  Liars in lab coats.  Hypocrites at pulpits.  It is unwise to surrender our inner integrity for a little fake certainty.  Our confidence must come from within.  It must come from love-based values and a fearless motive to lift our future to the best we can imagine.

There are new solutions in the high center.  There is political wisdom that honors both freedom and responsibility.  Ideals that balance equality and opportunity.  There is faith in a felt but unseen benevolent power that whispers a higher level of love and meaning in a reality we don’t fully understand.  There is humble science that is content to explore how our world works without insisting it is meaningless.

What’s the best thing we can do? We might…

1. Read and listen to different points of view from sources that are calm, researched and reasoned.  Avoid the shrill, insistent and fearful.
2. Aim to create our best personal society we can.  In our family, our friends, our neighborhoods we can forge healthy social ties that foster love and self-reliance at the same time.
3. Give our work, whether paid or unpaid, a sacred dignity by continually pursuing the highest good right here, right now.
4. We can continually strive to experience the touch of the Divine so we might be encouraged that we are all connected at a deeper, bigger level than our separate, superficial experiences.
5. We can take full responsibility for the message of our own inner voice.

What’s the best thing we can do?  Resist the insistent voices of the Grid.  Imagine the best future we can create.  Stand for something higher than the forced choices being screamed at us.  Let’s create the future we most want our children to live in.

Will Marre, founder, American Dream Project

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Planet Good Radio Interview with Will Marre

In all of my experience I have found that most people have a motive inside of them driving them to do good. Why they don’t pursue it is because they’re afraid. Fear can be a dangerous thing. Fear drives airplanes into buildings. Fear drives us to work 80 hours a week. Fear keeps us in our status quo. Whether it’s fear of being broke, being fired, or not being successful, fear keeps us from doing what we really want to do, what we were meant to do.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to speak on Planet Good Radio.

What I shared is that we must have the courage to act despite our fears. Let’s face it. I don’t think our fears will ever completely disappear and we can always come up with excuses of why we shouldn’t act, but the real rewards come from acting anyway. Once we release ourselves from our fears and become driven by service, our imaginations will explode. In my book, Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner, I tell numerous stories of people who have done just that. None of the people I write about have any formal power or resources. Take for example:

• Chris who, though he couldn’t afford to build a school for all the Sudanese Lost Boys and support his own family, nurtured and paid for one Lost Boy’s U.S. college education.
• Martin, a global executive of a multi-billion dollar company, who reinvented himself as a revolutionary leader of environmental sustainability throughout North and South America turning his knowledge of business into a force for change.
• Kim who saved her struggling training school by enlisting the help of every employee and transformed the company into a powerhouse within eighteen months––without a single lay-off.

What these individuals have is courage, will and imagination.

Towards the end of the interview with Tea Silvestre, the question that I always ask others was turned on me. “What’s the best thing you can imagine doing?” It got me thinking. What’s the best thing I can imagine doing?

For me, I think it comes down to one thing. All of my speaking, writing, leadership development, consulting, and business works culminate to this…

Change the purpose of business. I think this is the fastest way to save the world.

So, what’s the best thing you can imagine doing? What can you do to transform your job, business or life to help create a sustainable future for all? If we all will stop waiting for the world to change and start changing it…if we turn the power of enterprise into the power of good, imagine the world we will create together.

Will Marre

The Real Pursuit of Happiness

Have you heard the news?  It was reported recently that marriage is working again (“Is Secularism Saving Marriage?” USA Today).  Maybe better than ever.  The divorce rate is down to 36%.  Divorce is tragic, but the often-quoted rate of 50% of marriages failing is now history.  Of course what everyone wants is to know why.

The truth is we don’t really know.  But it’s not just because we can’t afford divorce.  In fact, some social researchers have some encouraging ideas based on trends of timing, commitment and counseling.  One cause of stronger marriage bonds may be related to the fact that couples are tying the knot at older ages.  The average age for first marriages is over 27 for men and hovers close to 25 for women.  It turns out the older a person is the more likely they will marry someone they have much in common with.  Important things like values, goals, religious beliefs, attitudes about raising children and spending money.  It’s also more likely they’ll share hobbies and recreational interests.  All these things in common create a platform of shared positive experiences and less value and lifestyle conflict.  On the other hand, people who marry young tend to be more attracted to their opposite.  A sort of odd-couple fascination with the neat attracted to the messy, the responsible saver is dreamy over the spontaneous spender…you get the idea.

And other forces also seem to be at work.  When I was recently speaking on colleges and alumni groups for the American Dream Project, our research revealed that one of the things Gen Y age (18-32) Americans most wanted to avoid was divorce.  This is because so many of them were the victims of their Boomer parents’ domestic wars and family split-ups.  Many divorcing boomers said to themselves, “The kids will be fine.  It’s better they don’t hear all the fighting.”  Well kids definitely wish their parents didn’t fight, but for millions the trauma of divorce didn’t leave them feeling fine.  Far from it.  So these same children are more committed to marriage than their parents were.  We think this is because young couples seek counseling far sooner when things get rough than their parents did.  Young Americans also say they value relationships, friendship, and social intimacy more than money, toys or even exotic experiences.  And as one researcher said, we all seem to be getting better at being married.  Wow, that is certainly good new in a society whose media is obsessed with conflict and bizarre personal behavior.

The positive embrace of marriage is maybe just the beginning.  In our American Dream Project research we found both Gen Yers and Boomers agree that genuine happiness and positive relationships go together.  Humans are emotionally wired to connect with one another.  We are intensely social beings who long to love and be loved.  In almost all end-of-life research the dying report that relationships, marriage, family and friendships are the greatest sources of life happiness.  Maybe more of us are waking up to the fact that investing in deep, mutually supportive relationships has life’s biggest pay-off.

But many of us are not great at friendship or choosing friends.  In my book (Save the World and Still Be Home for Dinner) I write about research that says friends fall into two groups.

Level One friends are superficial, the drinking buddy kind of friend. These friendships are driven by you-scratch-my-back and I’ll-scratch-yours.  We’re friends because we get some extrinsic benefit like companionship or favors.

Level Two relationships are based on intrinsic respect. These friendships are based on mutual respect, genuine compassion and caring.  These kinds of relationships affirm our higher selves, our noble aspirations, and our virtues.  These kinds of friends (or spouses) make us feel enthusiastic about life, optimistic about the future and are a source of resilience in tough times.  Mainly these kinds of friends are personal advocates, and who among us doesn’t need that?

Returning to marriage, it’s Level Two friendship that makes marriages great.  When we fall in love it’s passion first.  Passion ignites a volatile pool of brain chemicals.  But as the fire burns lower, friendship becomes most important.  Friendship that is affirming, compassionate and drenched in mutual advocacy.  Wonderfully, it’s friendship that becomes the pilot light of constantly renewable passion igniting the flames of intellectual, emotional and physical intimacy.  All the best of what it means to be human.

So what’s the greatest thing we can do? Be the best friend we can be to the people we love the most.  Look for ways to be a genuine advocate.  As the “Little Prince” said, enthusiastically “waste time” with those you love.  Often it’s in this wasted time that the most genuine love is experienced.  Take a vacation from the troubles of our world and be fully present today with someone who values you.  Call that person you’ve been meaning to call.

So, what’s your experience?  Have you been blessed by genuine loving friendship?  Tell us how.  This is the real “pursuit of happiness.”

If you would enjoyed this post, you might like to visit my older post, What is Life?

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Save the World and Still be Home for Dinner

• What if we could live a pace and enjoy a quality of life that constantly renewed our energy?
• What if all we really wanted in life was to make a positive impact and enjoy our lives?
• What if we understood our own gifts and developed them so we actually made a unique difference?
• What if we could do this no matter what our life circumstances in virtually any job, any time, anywhere?
• What if we didn’t need permission, power or position to do the best thing we can imagine?
• What if we could just start…now?

We can.

Five years ago I founded the American Dream Project to discover what the American Dream is for the 21st century.  I crossed the country giving speeches and hosting town hall meetings to college and alumni clubs, business leaders and community groups.  The Project interviewed and surveyed over 20,000 Americans ages ranging from 8 to 80.  What I discovered was that vast numbers of us are exhausted and drained by the way we work and how we live. What I also found was a shared persistent concern for our future.  We are awakening to the reality that the world needs saving and that it’s up to us to do something.

The bottom line; what nearly all of us really want for our lives is to matter. Our research confirms that today there is a voracious appetite for meaningful work.  At the same time we want to enjoy life, especially our relationships.  We also want to pursue our personal interests and reignite the pilot light of our inner zest.  As one hard working business founder and mother put it,

“I just want to save the world and still be home for dinner.”

What I found on my search for the modern American Dream were many, many people doing exactly that.  They hadn’t quit their jobs; they transformed them.

Of course, no one of us will save the world.  But as one inspired teacher put it,

“When we change our world, the world changes.”

My recent journey into the lives of real people ignited my energy to write a new book, Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner (Capital Books) that’s going to be released September 30.  It has some themes and elements I developed in my first book, Dreams on Fire, which I wrote for the PBS show Reclaiming Your American Dream.   In Save the World I take those themes into the wider arena of creating a world of sustainable abundance.  Sustainable Abundance is the ideal of uniting human ingenuity and moral values to give every human being an opportunity for a decent life.

Even though this is a grand idea, it doesn’t require huge earth-shattering change to bring it about.  It doesn’t require a magic charismatic leader or even the aristocrats of the status quo to respond to a wake-up call.  Rather, I discovered, it is already happening because individuals are changing the way they think, act and communicate.  It is happening everywhere with people of all ages who are making an individual difference that is creating a “tipping point” of positive change.

What I learned from my interviews and experiences is that this positive revolution for sustainable abundance is happening because people whoever they are, wherever they are, are making it happen in their lives, their work and their communities.  Sure, resistance from the voices of the old way of seeing the world only through the lens of greed and self-interest is noisy.  But the tidal wave of change is already drowning their voices through the millions and millions of positive choices we make every day.

We live and work in a time of disruptive transformation.  The convergence of continuous technological breakthroughs, a generational values shift and worldwide entrepreneurialism is radically changing everything.

So how exactly do we participate and accelerate the new future?  That’s the question I address in my book.  There is a common formula people are using to live a life they most value and enjoy.
The book focuses on the idea that we need to “be who we are and do what we came to do.” Here’s how:

1. We all have a Promise to keep. A Promise to live both joyfully and make a difference that only we can make.
2. Do not be afraid. In times like these where we are losing our homes, our jobs or our peace-of-mind, it’s essential that we don’t abandon our Promise because we’re afraid.  Fear will keep us from both happiness and fulfillment.  If we know what our Promise is, we can keep it in any circumstance.  And yes, your Promise matters to all of us.
3. You can bring your life and your work to a higher level right now. By examining the stories of people just like you and me who are living game-changing lives and relishing their relationships we begin to see a formula for breaking through.  By understanding our Design we “see” our calling.  By becoming clear on our soul’s Desire we focus on a unique life-altering passion.  By responding to our noble Drive we bust down doors of opportunity.

This is not trivial.  Or simply inspirational.  I do my best to paint a vivid picture of people who are transforming their careers, personal relationships and individual place in the world. This book tells the stories of how dozens of ordinary people are living the most extraordinary lives.  It reveals the uncommon habits of how these people think, decide and act.  They teach us how we can transform any circumstance into a fulfilling, exciting and contented life. From these stories I lay out the essential steps and ingredients necessary to help us transform our lives by creating a sustainable abundance of all that is truly important in life, both material and spiritual.

I believes the only way to achieve personal sustainable abundance is to help invent it for everyone.  We have two choices.  The first is what happens if we do nothing.  This choice will create a future fundamentally driven by increasing scarcity and competition characterized by economic and military wars and immense suffering.  The second choice is positive adaptation driven by entrepreneurial invention that amplifies our standard of life as we increase human health, human rights and human opportunity.  The second choice is not automatic, but making the right choice during the next 10 years is maybe the most important choice in human history.

By “Save the World,” I ask you to stand up for something that really matters to you.  To make your unique contribution to a sustainable future and add value to the lives of others.  By “Still Be Home for Dinner” I mean our ability to enact these changes in our own way – a way that fulfills our heart and satisfies our soul.

As I hope you can tell, I am deeply motivated by this message.  As loyal advocates of the American Dream Project I wanted to make Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner available to you for free before it is published.  So, if you sign up, we will email you a (short) chapter every day for the next 30 days.

I now have a favor to ask you.  As you know in today’s media circus it’s very difficult to get and sustain anyone’s attention on any message or ideal.  So if you like what you read, it would be very helpful if you would send us a review.  Also send the chapters on to friends and family who you think might benefit.  (If you don’t like what you read please send me an email with your ideas.  I don’t mind being challenged to think in broader, bigger ways.)

And finally, if you have any ideas or opportunities to better promote the book, please let us know.  Believe me when I say I am much more interested in the message than the money I might earn from royalties.  (In fact, I am donating $1 per book to the Grameen Foundation to help end poverty through micro-credit.)  So I am interested in book giveaways, using books as fundraisers for charities or a zillion other ideas you might have.  Most of all, let me know what you think.  I look forward to hearing from you!

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