Tiger–No longer a virtuous role model?

Tiger Woods has really been in the news lately.  And the stories are not about his golf game.  Instead the stories are about Tiger acting, well, like a tiger.  I respect his privacy. But even though he is, after all, just an athlete and his private life should be private, I think many of us are a little disappointed that he’s admitted his struggle with his own testosterone.

Why?  Because we long for virtuous role models whether they’re athletes, politicians, religious leaders or business tycoons.  We admire people who in the face of outrageous temptation act on moral virtue.  It seems rare among the famous, rich and powerful.  But like many rare things, it is highly valued.  Perhaps we value the moral commitment of fidelity because it is so hard, so “unnatural.”  We live in a media world that thrives on serving up stimulation and novelty.  It is easy to stimulate the brain juice of dopamine showing reckless infatuation turning to instant sex.  It’s more difficult portraying the fulfillment of deep and enduring intimacy based on mutual trust and commitment.

I know, trust and commitment just don’t sound all that exciting.  But as I point out in my book, Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner, it turns out that trust and commitment are the bedrock of human happiness and deep life satisfaction.  It also turns out that no greater emotional pain can be felt or caused than betrayal.  Maybe all of this commitment stuff is such a powerful human force precisely because it is unnatural.  I often read that evolutionary biologists claim that monogamy is unrealistic.  Men, we are told, are biologically designed to spread their DNA to as many partners as possible.  Sociologists wonder if being married to one person over a lifetime is too “unnatural” because our modern lifetimes are so long.  But most of us admire multi-decade marriages.  We admire fidelity and honest commitment precisely because these things are so unnatural.

Of course commitment and trust cannot be given blindly.  Our personal dignity requires that trust and respect must be mutual.  Commitment to an exploiter is an act of self-destruction.  However we must take care not to label our partner’s quirks and interests as intolerable or selfish as a weapon to work our own agenda.

It’s hard to be patient, wise and fair.  What is “natural” is to be selfish, self absorbed, and exploitative like Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men.  Sure it’s funny.  But we can’t build a civilization by acting natural.  What most of us admire are people who act unnatural.  People whose commitment is greater than their moods.  People whose purpose is greater than their self-interest.  People who value self-control as much as self-expression.  We admire this because these are qualities of our higher selves.  Qualities of our soul.  They are the pinnacle qualities of what it means to be truly human more than just evolutionary blobs of selfish protoplasm.  Enduring love matched with fierce commitment is unnatural, and that’s why it’s so sublime.

So I offer my best wishes and highest hopes for Tiger and his family.  I must also tell you that I don’t speak of these things as an idealist.  I have been roughed-up plenty by life’s surprises and gut-wrenching relationships.  Lasting intimacy is the battleground of happiness and the hard road of fortitude.  At the same time I am convinced there is no other road I’d rather travel because when there is a break in the forest, the views are breathtaking and the oxygen is pure.

So what’s the best thing we can do?  Love like our life depends on it.