Love, Fear and Prayer

The price of love of fear of loss.  If we wouldn’t be sad by the loss of a loved one or by being rejected by someone we deeply love, love would have no bond, no intimacy, and no joy.  To love is to risk the vulnerability of our inner most being.

At least that’s what the most genuine and delicious level of love requires.  Some love is virtually involuntary.  It seems you have no choice but to love.  To love without restraint.  One case where this is most potent is with young grandchildren.  Love from a grandchild is unpolluted from typical parental responsibilities or the duties of discipline.  The relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is like dessert.  When you surrender to a chocolate lava cake or two scoops of gelato in a waffle cone you are unconcerned about protein and fiber.  Balance is out the window in the face of unrestrained enjoyment.

But…our tenuous vulnerability is always lurking.  This past 4^th of July my six-year-old grandson, Antonio, was run over by a float in a small town parade.  The wheels of a 12 foot steel snowmobile trailer carrying 12 other children rolled directly over his head ripping his scalp away from his skull.  Antonio does not suffer from a lack of confidence or a shortage of what-can-I-do-next ideas.  As the parade was coming close to its finish he decided to join many of his cousins who were riding in the trailer.  In one ugly instant he slipped directly in front of the trailer as it began a turn, then he tripped and there on the ground he later said he saw the tires rolling toward him.  He froze and closed his eyes while scores of eyewitnesses began screaming, some already crying, the trailer rumbled directly over him.  The children on board later said they all felt the bump.  As blood flushed over his face his uncle leaped forward and picked him up carefully, holding Antonio’s skin on his skull.  Everyone was terrified.

Except Antonio.  He said,

“I don’t have any broken bones.  Clean me up and bring me back.  I don’t want to miss anything.”

You see Antonio had broken his arm a few years ago and he somehow remembered what that felt like.  The paramedics were there almost instantly because their emergency vehicle had been in the parade.  As they put Antonio inside, he said, looking at no one in particular but in the form of an announcement, “No shots.”

What transpired over the next twelve hours confirmed the impossible had happened.  Although several eyewitnesses said Antonio’s head should have been crushed like a grape, he instead was fine.  Of course he had to have over 100 stitches, mostly under his scalp and thankfully not across his handsome face, but after CAT scans and many neurological tests there was no permanent or even critical injuries.  No cracked skull, not even the sign of a concussion.  Lots of swelling though.  The next day, still in the hospital with his head the size of a Halloween pumpkin and one eye swollen shut, he was playing a video game with his 12-year-old girl cousin.  He was overheard telling her,

“I am 6 years old with one good eye and I can still beat you.”

Ah, my sweet little Antonio.

So how can I explain a miracle?  I can’t.  The whole of reality is like trying to explain art using only technical analysis.  Describing the science behind our optic nerve or the chemistry of paint pigment tells us nothing about the experience of a breathtaking Monet or the wonder of the Mona Lisa.  I don’t know why and certainly not how Antonio’s life and health was spared.  What I can tell you is that the experience of love and gratitude brings me to a sense of meaning far deeper than daily life, the evening news or my trivial complaints.  It also fills me with compassion for the scores of good fellow human beings who every day desperately need miracles to save their child or grandchild and don’t get one.  I don’t know why.  But I pray for them.  I pray because I am humbled by what I don’t know.  What I don’t understand.  I pray because I feel in some way connected to something bigger than I can understand.  I pray because I believe that personal and collective energy of compassion somehow matters.  I pray because it fuels my optimism.  I pray most of all because it changes me.  It changes what I desire.  It changes how I see things.  It changes the quality of my everyday encounter with life.

And the next time I get frustrated or fail I will think of my grandson Antonio’s words:

“Clean me up and bring me back.  I don’t want to miss anything.”

Become Whole–Become Part of The Integrity of Everything

I have been off the grid.  I went surfing in Southern Nicaragua.  The waves were big.  Overhead everyday.  Powerful.  Awesome really.  I surfed 5 to 6 hours a day.  That’s possible for me only in warm tropical water because it soothes my old muscles lengthening my greybeard stamina.  As inspiring and joyful as the surf was, I was surprised to be more inspired by two books I found myself reading.  The first is Einstein’s God by Krista Tippett who has a regular podcast called Speaking of Faith in which she interviews certified brainiacs, mostly scientists, who have deepened their spiritual faith and continue to seek for ultimate answers even as they discover the immediate workings of our material world.

The other book I discovered on the bookshelf where I was staying was called Essential Spirituality by Roger Walsh, MD, PhD.  Walsh’s book is a guide to spiritual exercise found in all major religions that can lead us to insight and take us to the essential virtues of a well-lived life.

So I found myself alternating between warm water waves washing away the accumulated stresses of 21^st century life and the waves of new implications of wisdom.  I found myself washing away my frustrations of doing much but accomplishing little. Daily, I struggle to do more…not by doing more, but by doing better.  It is a continual question of what to cut out and where to go deeper.  The quest is always for a higher level of integrity.  Not just with myself but with “all that exists.”  I find myself bouncing between the emotions of outrage at the outrages of our time and the wiser emotions of focusing on the things over which I have some control.  My time in the waves left me with a conviction that it’s desirable to embrace all my emotions as long as I don’t become them.  Authenticity requires that I feel my feelings while wisdom informs my choices of how to act or not act.

Let me get back on track with some cool things I learned or relearned that are already helping me choose where to put my energy.

Albert Einstein explicitly wrote about two realities.  One dimension is the one we live in consciously.  It began with the big bang 13.7 billion years ago where an atom of hydrogen exploded into what’s become our world.  It’s a dimension of time and space.  Einstein wrote that the other dimension has neither time nor space.  Just a constant now.  Of that we know little except that it must exist for our dimension to exist.  Science focuses on explaining our time/space reality but has nothing to offer in terms of describing the timeless (spiritual) dimension.  He wrote of a transcendence being a consciousness beyond “the vanity of human desires.”

In his autobiography, The World As I See It, Einstein wrote of his endless curiosity toward “a knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty.”  Einstein was continually amazed at the mathematical elegance of the universe feeling like mathematics revealed the thoughts of a universal creative force.  Einstein believed in the indestructible nature of energy and comforted the Queen of Belgium who was grieving the death of a loved one writing, “There is, after all, something eternal that lies beyond the hand of fate and all human delusions.”

Einstein, like all of us, asked the question as to whether the universe has a point.  Or even more personally, does our existence have a point. The nearly universal answer is that the question of all questions can only be answered by direct experiences that create a personal connection between our time dimension and the timeless.  These are not irrational experiences.  They are trans-rational.  In rational-materialism only the strong and powerful thrive.  In this “objectivist” delusion compassion, kindness, and reverence for the lives of others seems irrational.  But experiences in the timeless dimension let us know that virtue, empathy, and love matter most of all.  It’s this spiritual-timeless energy that motivates our aspiration for moral order and civilization that reveres both moral and social order.  This is our impulse to transcend self-interest and see all of existence as a connected system of energy.  Life and non-life connected.  It’s in moments of transcendence that we release ourselves from our self-obsessions and become fearless in serving others through our talents, skills, resources and the sheer force of our creative will.  This is the beginning of integrity.

How do we become members of both the time and timeless? This is what Roger Walsh writes about in Essential Spirituality.  What it takes is a commitment to spiritual fitness as strong as our physical fitness.  Our door to the timeless is to focus more frequently on the richness of what is happening now.  Brain research confirms practicing being fully present creates new neuron networks that move our mental energy from our fear-reactive limbic brain center to our wiser reflective pre-frontal cortex.  It’s literally these neuron networks that give feelings of well-being and opens our minds to see opportunities instead of problems.  These are the brain centers that dissipate stress and deepen contentment.  Here are three simple exercises:

1. Deep Mindfulness.  Taste your food.  One time each day eat something and focus your entire attention on the taste and texture of your food.  Narrate these sensations in your mind.  Listen to music.  Once a day listen to a piece of music while trying to identify each sound with its source instrument or voice.  Listen for feelings instead of content.  Once a day listen to someone with your whole attention focused on what they might be feeling instead of just the content of their words.  You will feel love.
2. Practice Learnfulness.  Once you actively, purposefully adopt the inner belief that you can benefit from anything that happens in your life you will fear less.  This is the trigger to contentment.  Once, when I had gone through a very rough patch of major disappointments a friend said, “Well, the worst happened and you’re still okay—so there’s nothing to ever be afraid of again.”  I reflect on that whenever I’m afraid.  We can become wiser from all experiences.  In the timeless dimension we have nothing to fear.  Nothing.
3. Paradoxical Gratitude.  Once we accept that our life purpose is centrally about learning all that we can learn from anything, even personal tragedy, we are free to be grateful.  This exercise is one in which we say, “I am grateful for this and it’s opposite.”  I am grateful when the sun shines; I am grateful when it rains.  I am grateful when I am with friends; I am grateful when I am alone.  I am grateful when I have extra money; I am grateful when I don’t have enough.  Huh.  I know it sounds as stupid as Paris Hilton’s dog, but don’t take my word for it.  Try it.  Right now.  See what your “mind” tells you about why you can be grateful for rain, aloneness, or being short of cash.  I think you’ll be surprised.

Let me finish with a famous quote by Albert Einstein:

“A human being is part of the whole called the universe…He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest.  This delusion of consciousness is a kind of prison restricting us to personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.  Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

This is the essence of morality.  It is the foundation of sustainability.  We become whole when we become part of “the integrity of everything.”  In Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner I write about living in integrity.  To fulfill our Promise by making our difference.  So often we find ourselves distracted working hard to achieve other people’s goals or working to pay our debts often accumulated by selling our peace of mind for things that offer little enjoyment and less joy.  I am convinced we cannot live our dream until we awaken from the life that happens to us and live the life our higher self wishes to engage in.  Even if we are “successful” by the definition of people who do not understand us, that success is an anchor rather than a sail.  To find the wind I have found that connecting to the timeless gives energy and direction to my time.  And there are moments of beam-reach when the vessel and wind cut through the waters of life without friction.  These are great moments.  But they are appreciated because of all the other moments of tackling against the wind or hunting for it.  Good sailing to all.

SoCal Surfer gets an escort from a 30ft Minke Whale!

*This is a story that was sent via email. I do not have the original source. Once I track it down, I will post the source.

“When Southern California surfer Jodie Nelson set out Sunday to standup-paddle nearly 40 miles from Santa Catalina Island to Dana Point, she hoped it’d inspire her best friend, who has been involved in a long and exhausting struggle with breast cancer, to keep fighting.

Nelson, 34, whose mother and aunt are cancer survivors, also hoped her nine-hour test of endurance would raise money for two cancer charities and heighten awareness about a plight affecting millions of women.

What Nelson could not have known was that a 30-foot minke whale would swim alongside her 14-foot board and accompany the surfer as she stood and paddled for two of those nine hours, thus joining the cause.

“It was a day that all of us involved will never forget,” Nelson said, in reference to Angela Robinson, her best friend, and the rest of a crew aboard an escort boat.

Minke whales are not commonly seen off Southern California, and those spotted by boaters are often elusive. So when a mammal Nelson named Larry joined her endeavor to become the first woman to make this long paddle, she took it as a sign.

“To me it was a total God thing,” the San Clemente resident said. “We prayed at 4 that morning that God would reveal his beauty and creation and nature, and allow me to endure this long trek, so for me it’s not such a huge surprise that this happened.”

Larry did not merely swim close to Nelson. He rolled around repeatedly alongside her and blew bubbles beneath her board. A film crew was on the escort boat and CNN, Fox News and ABC are just some of the networks she says are interested in the story and footage.

Alisa Schulman-Janiger, an American Cetacean Society <http://www.acsonline.org/>  whale researcher, said minke whales can be friendly but added: “This type of quality encounter is highly unusual.”

Nelson raised only about $6,000 in advance of the paddle, disappoingtingly short of her target of $100,000 for the Keep a Breast Foundation and Boarding for Breast Cancer <http://www.b4bc.org/> . A few of her celebrity friends let her down, she said, but when this story reaches a national audience she expects the pool to grow considerably.

“I thought, ‘I don’t need so-and-so,’ ” she said of a particular celebrity, whom she declined to name. “Because I honestly feel like Larry is going to help us reach the $100,000 mark with our fundraising effort.”

Larry or no Larry, completing a standup paddle over 39.8 miles of ocean and sharks speaks volumes about Nelson’s strength, stamina and determination.

Larry took her mind off the task for two magical hours, but her mind never strayed from the cause. “I can’t even begin to compare what I did to what cancer patients are going through,” she said. “But I wanted to put myself out there in a dangerous and scary, overwhelming situation; something that was big and just to show people that you can win that battle with that big, scary thing called cancer.

“I wanted to draw some kind of parallel and just encourage people to keep fighting.”

Those wanting to help Jodie with her mission can do so via her page on the Keep a Breast Foundation website <http://firstgiving.com/paddlewithpurpose>.”

How an iPerson is like an iPhone

Apple Inc.’s stock is on a rocket ship.  An all-time high.  It’s no wonder.  Fortune Magazine found that Apple is the world’s most admired company by global CEOs.  That’s something.  Apple was on the verge of biodegrading in a pile of high tech mulch in 1997 when Steve Jobs was re-enthroned as CEO of the computer company he co founded in 1976.  He was once considered a kind of genius bad boy.  A one hit wonder.  Full of himself.  Isolated.  Angry.  His NeXT computer company was a commercial flop, but he found game changing success at Pixar who brought us the Toy Story movies as well as a steady series of yearly blockbuster films.  In the movie business he did the impossible.  Every movie Pixar has released has grossed over $100 million.  Every one.  Impossible according to Hollywood.  Inevitable according to Jobs.

Then Jobs resurrected Apple as a global icon by inventing software-based hardware that blew our minds about how computers ought to look and work, then how we buy and listen to music, communicate by phone, where we buy cool stuff in Apple stores, and now how we’ll learn and operate on something called an iPad.

Steve Jobs is now being canonized by many of his critics and competitors.  Sure rock-star Steve is not perfect.  Not even in business.  But as I was considering his Walt Disney-like success it occurred to me that there are three insightful things about his business decisions that translate to our own lives.  Three principles we need to consider as we choose our daily path and forge enduring priorities.  Three drivers of the “i” empire Emperor Steve has built.

Unbreakable system: Jobs has been very stubborn about building totally integrated hardware and software devices.  There is seamlessness between Apple’s electronics and their operating software.  So their immune systems are tintanically strong.  iMacs famously are virtually virus free because there are no “nasal” passages to infect.  PCs and Windows have never overcome their cobbled together genetics and open sores that leave them ripe for infection.

So, I wonder, how about me?  Am I a PC that is nothing more than a collection of other people’s software, their opinions and demands?  Or do I have my own operating system that guides my decisions, informs my values, sings my songs and recognized voices of truth?  I know that a robust personal operating system must be able to accept updates from credible sources or I’ll just become obsolete in my own thinking.  On the other hand, if I let any virus in that the popular media sneezes out into my hard drive I will become slower to adapt, angry and fearful.

What I have learned is that to even approach having a personal unbreakable system I must daily reflect on what matters most.  I must weigh my work life in the context of my relationships, my health and my sources of joy.  Every day.  If I skip reflection, I skip choosing.  Then other urgencies invade me like tiny thought-bots that make me sick with unimportant urgencies.  I need to be unbreakable.  Seamless.  Self-determined.  Soul-determined.

Revolution by evolution. Every one of Apple’s hot products is designed around Apple’s robust and elegant operating system.  From iMacs to iPads the deep DNA is their every improving and adapting operating system.  So even though it looks like an iPod is a radical departure from a computer or an iPhone is a game-changing device, the backbone of all Apple devices is the same.

For me it reminds me that even at 60 I must fearlessly re-invent my messages, my services, and my delivery channels even as I build on a lifetime of learning, interests and experiences.  As I re-purpose my purpose the way I work is constantly evolving.  Facebook, blogging, webcasts, online learning are all new tools that require new skills.  But the core of my work remains what it has been for 35 years: to help people make the biggest positive difference they can right now as a means to create more happiness and less suffering.  Or in a bumper sticker, “My purpose is to help other’s express theirs.”  That’s my operating system.  At least on my good days.

Over-invest in a few things that matter. Apple does almost everything different from their competitors.  They essentially have four products: iMac, iPod, iPhone, and now iPads.  Competitors like Dell, HP and Sony have gazillions of products.  But what Apple understands is that to be great you must make focused investments.  Bring enormous, overwhelming force to a few great ideas.  Jobs invested $200 million in advertising the iPod in its first 12 months.  No competitor has come close to that commitment.

So, I can’t do everything.  But I can be fully present for my wife and family.  That is a huge focus for me.  Enduring, healthy, enriching relationships are the most difficult achievements in life.  It takes constant attention and persistent enthusiasm.  For me it’s not work though.  It’s not work like surfing is not work.  Surfing takes great effort and concentration, but it’s joyful.  My few personal relationships of significance require “all-in” joyful commitment.  It’s simple.  A few great relationships require our over-investing in them.

I also invest in my clients’ individual success.  Everything is personal for me.  As Helen Keller said,

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”

It’s true, I cannot do everything, but what I can do is pay extreme attention to how I am making a difference to someone today.  And finally I invest in learning.  Learning all that I can to be better at priorities one and two.  For me it’s come down to love, helping and learning.  That’s my daily focus.  What I try to over-invest in.

But in spite of Steve’s best intentions, Apple’s iPods break too often.  iPhones don’t have an interchangeable battery.  And likewise in too many cases, I act like a big fat jerk.  Cranky, impatient, selfish.  Yea, it’s a life long process to become an “iPerson” but why else live?

So, tell us about your journey toward your best life.  What do you over-invest in?

We Can Create Our Future

I love to surf. I talk about it all the time. It’s not that I am a great surfer. Far from it.  I am one of those journeyman surf dudes who “mind surfs” much better than I actually surf.  But as they say, “Only a surfer knows the feeling.”  The feeling is everything.  The ocean, the porpoises, and the screaming sensation of speed when you’re in the right place on the right wave.  But I am also 60 years old.  Damn.  I’ve noticed that this winter I have been more tentative than ever to take on bigger, overhead waves.  I’ve been super careful not to paddle into anything I didn’t have a 95% chance of riding well.  That’s being too careful.

I began to notice that when I saw a set of waves coming and I was paddling outside to either catch it or get over it, my mind was telling me fear stories.

“Don’t even think about it.  It’s too steep.  It will close out for sure.  It’s going to pitch…Ah!”

When my mind is going off like that I can feel the fear rise from my toes to my newly freaked out face.  Then all I want to do is survive.  Not surf.  Survive.  So what happens is I let too many perfectly good, potentially thrilling waves go by.  Then I sit outside in the calm water silently cursing myself.

“You wimp.  You old, clumsy sorry excuse for a surfer…”  No I am not kidding.

The reason my mind hits the fear button as soon as I see anything out of my comfort zone is logical.  I’ve had a few bad wipeouts and hold-downs earlier this winter.  In I went pin-wheeling head-over-heels down the overhead wave face and was rag-dolled under the water until my lungs were burning for air. That makes an impression. But the real risk is minimal. I surf deep-water breaks, which means I won’t hit the bottom.  I’ve got a new surf leash so I won’t lose my board, and if I did the swim in is easy.  I’m not afraid of the real risk.  I just hate the few seconds a violent thunderous wipe generates and the “I blew it” self-talk that rings in my head.  So I started playing it safe.  Way too safe.  Then I had a breakthrough.  A life lesson.

I was talking to the renowned sport’s psychologist Dr. Jim Loehr. According to Dan Jansen, the former Olympic speed skater, Jim’s coaching was essential to him finally winning a gold in his final Olympic race. Jim has coached 16 #1 athletes in the world. He’s the real deal.  So Jim was telling me about the power of asking yourself the right questions to take charge of your private voice.  He’s found that for anyone in stressful situations from elite athletes, Special Forces soldiers, to CEOs facing a crisis our private voice will determine success or failure.  And one the easiest ways to take control over the script our private voice is speaking is to change the questions we ask ourselves. In my case it was as simple as changing my voice from “No way” to “How?”  He suggested the next time I find myself paddling furiously outside to meet an oncoming bomb I simply ask, “How can I catch this in the right spot?” “Yea, whatever,” I thought.

So three days later on a bright, glassy Southern California morning the waves were pumping.  A storm in the Gulf of Alaska had sent a vigorous impulse down the coast and solid ten foot faced waves were pumping through with an occasional rogue a bit bigger.  It was crowded.  Many of the young, hot, zero body fat guys were ripping the break apart. I was paddling up and down the reef as usual in frantic search for solitary waves.  Then it happened.  (Of course this story has a happy ending.)  I was already sitting outside when a dark green extra large wave popped up on the horizon.  I started paddling.  I was the only one who had a chance of getting out deep enough to spin my board around and stroke into it.  But I felt Mr. Panic crawling up my legs to my stomach.  Suddenly my mind shouted, “How?”  Just how.  I immediately adjusted my line of paddle slightly to the left, calmly turned, two stokes and I was in.  The wave face suddenly got bigger and steeper as I dropped but my fin and rail bit into the wall and I slung myself under the feathering lip and there in front of me was a watery, green highway.  For nearly 100 yards I turned up the face and back down gathering and scrubbing speed in a primal rhythm that simply stokes your mind, body and soul.  I left the water as one giant human smile.

What a lesson. Since that mind-bending wave I’ve given several high-risk speeches and sales presentations.  I now prepare with “How can I help the people I am talking to?”  That question, “How?”, tied to a motive of service is emotional liberation for me.

All of us deal with our inner voice.  And Jim’s point is to “own it.”  Become the positive narrator of your life by listening to that fearless inner essence that is the “who” that answers the question, “Who am I?”

If you have similar stories of personal liberation, we’d all like to hear them.  The mind is a beautiful tool when wielded well.

Tiger–No longer a virtuous role model?

Tiger Woods has really been in the news lately.  And the stories are not about his golf game.  Instead the stories are about Tiger acting, well, like a tiger.  I respect his privacy. But even though he is, after all, just an athlete and his private life should be private, I think many of us are a little disappointed that he’s admitted his struggle with his own testosterone.

Why?  Because we long for virtuous role models whether they’re athletes, politicians, religious leaders or business tycoons.  We admire people who in the face of outrageous temptation act on moral virtue.  It seems rare among the famous, rich and powerful.  But like many rare things, it is highly valued.  Perhaps we value the moral commitment of fidelity because it is so hard, so “unnatural.”  We live in a media world that thrives on serving up stimulation and novelty.  It is easy to stimulate the brain juice of dopamine showing reckless infatuation turning to instant sex.  It’s more difficult portraying the fulfillment of deep and enduring intimacy based on mutual trust and commitment.

I know, trust and commitment just don’t sound all that exciting.  But as I point out in my book, Save the World and Still Be Home For Dinner, it turns out that trust and commitment are the bedrock of human happiness and deep life satisfaction.  It also turns out that no greater emotional pain can be felt or caused than betrayal.  Maybe all of this commitment stuff is such a powerful human force precisely because it is unnatural.  I often read that evolutionary biologists claim that monogamy is unrealistic.  Men, we are told, are biologically designed to spread their DNA to as many partners as possible.  Sociologists wonder if being married to one person over a lifetime is too “unnatural” because our modern lifetimes are so long.  But most of us admire multi-decade marriages.  We admire fidelity and honest commitment precisely because these things are so unnatural.

Of course commitment and trust cannot be given blindly.  Our personal dignity requires that trust and respect must be mutual.  Commitment to an exploiter is an act of self-destruction.  However we must take care not to label our partner’s quirks and interests as intolerable or selfish as a weapon to work our own agenda.

It’s hard to be patient, wise and fair.  What is “natural” is to be selfish, self absorbed, and exploitative like Charlie Sheen’s character on Two and a Half Men.  Sure it’s funny.  But we can’t build a civilization by acting natural.  What most of us admire are people who act unnatural.  People whose commitment is greater than their moods.  People whose purpose is greater than their self-interest.  People who value self-control as much as self-expression.  We admire this because these are qualities of our higher selves.  Qualities of our soul.  They are the pinnacle qualities of what it means to be truly human more than just evolutionary blobs of selfish protoplasm.  Enduring love matched with fierce commitment is unnatural, and that’s why it’s so sublime.

So I offer my best wishes and highest hopes for Tiger and his family.  I must also tell you that I don’t speak of these things as an idealist.  I have been roughed-up plenty by life’s surprises and gut-wrenching relationships.  Lasting intimacy is the battleground of happiness and the hard road of fortitude.  At the same time I am convinced there is no other road I’d rather travel because when there is a break in the forest, the views are breathtaking and the oxygen is pure.

So what’s the best thing we can do?  Love like our life depends on it.

Who’s Your Most Important Customer?

We are all vulnerable to the vitality of “customer” relationships.  In business we’re economically vulnerable.  But in our personal life we are even more fragile.  Our mental, emotional and spiritual sense of well-being is deeply tied to the quality of our personal relationships.  After all, our loved ones are “consumers” of us.  Our thoughts, moods, values, interests and personality.  And everyday they vote their feelings by the quality and level of intimacy of attention they give us.

I have two clients who are senior executives for the same high-pressure company.  They are unusual because they have been married to each other for over 10 years. When I first started working with Chad I couldn’t help noticing his enthusiasm when he talked about his wife.  He was wild about her in every way.  He thought she was a brilliant executive—creative, compelling, efficient.  On a personal level, the raves were even sweeter; he called her an amazing wife and a gifted mother.

Carole spoke about Chad as if he were a god.  The most brilliant, visionary leader she had every seen.  A sensitive husband and a loving father.  She freely used words like adore and admire, and she meant them.  To hear two people separately talk about each other with such affection and idealism is exceedingly rare.  For husbands and wives in business together, it is virtually unheard of. 

As I continued to work with Chad and Carole, I discovered two things.  One, they consciously focus on the quality of their relationship and use something called Active Advocacy.  That is, they are each other’s greatest fan, and they aren’t shy about making that known. Second, they spend time together.  Whenever they aren’t working, they are together, and they invest at least an hour a day in nothing but personal communication with each other.

So what’s up with Chad and Carole?  Are they just obnoxiously lucky?  Well maybe, but their relationship is built on pillars anyone can employ to change the energy of their relationships.  There are three main things we can do to create better primary relationships.  I call them the Three Pillars of Love:

 1.  Understand

 2.  Involve

 3.  Affirm

To Understand

The prime need of a human being in a relationship is to be understood.  We can only provide understanding when we value others intrinsically.  This means we don’t value them for how they please, fulfill, serve, or satisfy us, but for whom they are in and of themselves.  We don’t appreciate their good qualities alone but the whole package.  We treasure their extraordinary gifts and the quirks that others may find annoying.  We taste the spice that makes their entire dish unique.  Only when we value another intrinsically can empathy flow. 

Conversation is vital to understanding.  Couples who are romantic talk a lot.  Little conversations throughout the day. Other couples, on the contrary, seem to get their entire talking life “over with” when they’re falling in love.  During those hormone-enhanced early days, they lose track of time and talk all night.  But lasting romance requires continued soul conversation.  Without knowing the depth of our beloved, there is nothing real to love.  All we see or hear is the superficial, the practical.  We lose sight of the good stuff, the soul stuff.  

To Involve

A blissful relationship requires hands-on involvement.  It is not enough to tolerate the interests of our loved ones; it isn’t even enough to support them.  If we want love that lives and breathes, we must involve ourselves in their interests.  At least some of the time.  We don’t have to be involved in everything they do, but we should try to be involved in the special things.  The things that appear to give them special satisfaction.   That’s where the love payoff really is. 

To Affirm

Affirming is simple.  As soon as you notice someone doing something well, being kind or thoughtful, expressing his/her gifts, or looking good, you mention it.  Say it as soon as you think it.  The habit of affirmation is one of the most powerful loving skills you can develop.  Why we keep our positive thoughts a secret is a great mystery.   

Dan Baker, Director of the Life Enhancement Center at Canyon Ranch, cites research confirming this. “When we affirm others, we use parts of our neo-cortex that generate positive moods.  Affirming stimulates neuro-transmitters that are mood elevators.  Those who affirm and love others are making themselves happy.”  It’s simple.  Want to feel better?  Make someone else feel better.

Of course the three pillars of love don’t just work with a spouse or romantic partner.  Understanding, involving and affirming can turn up the quality of any relationship whether with children, parents, friends, even customers…everyone.  And it’s free.  It costs nothing, but the payoff is life’s jackpot. 

 

This article was originally published in The Deluxe Knowledge Quarterly KQ3 2008.

Above All…Be an Original: Finding Your Dream and Living From Your Design

A few years ago, Chris, a great friend of mine, was attending a summer concert featuring a Beatles Tribute band. They were dressed up like a 1965 version of John, Paul, George and Ringo. They had their accents and music down. They were an amazing group of musicians perfectly imitating genuine rock stars. And they were fake. After twenty minutes Chris couldn’t handle it. He actually left his family sitting on the grass and spent an hour walking home. He couldn’t stand listening to “fake Beatles.” To this day, Chris tells me that if he were a musician, he would rather spend his life playing his music in small bars and clubs then playing someone else’s music to crowds of Baby Boomers trying to re-imagine their past. Chris is an original. He is not about to sing someone else’s song.

Turns out, this is great career advice. “Be the rock star of your own life!”

What if you were designed perfectly to live your Dream Life? Well you are. You were designed to succeed at what brings you deepest, lasting joy. And fulfilling your design is the music of your heart. All you have to do is hear it.

Although we share over 99% of our DNA structure and pretty much 100% of our spiritual nature with other humans, there’s still an amazing amount of room for individuality. Recent brain and personality research suggests that each of us is more unique than perhaps we ever imagined. Turns out that 1% DNA difference leads to tens of millions of physical, psychological, and personality differences. That’s what makes us an original! The way we think, the way we learn, and the way we excel are extremely idiosyncratic. Many of us feel frustrated and anxious when we we’re not allowed to do “our thing our way.” This turns out not to be stubbornness but Design trying to shine through.

Our very uniqueness holds our personal key to fulfillment. A Dream Life is built on discovering, or re-discovering, our authentic Design. Greatness is always the result of being different—Being original.  No one can be better than you at being you.  Don’t compete; be unique.  And turn up the volume.

So how is this accomplished? Luckily, surgery is not required, nor are light explosives. You discover your design by becoming aware of your persistent traits and talents. Your “Design” is the intersection of traits and talents that you bring with you into the world.

Talents are skills that you perform exceptionally well and with natural ease. They are the way others see and experience you—the outer you. Talent yields success with minimal effort. Traits are the inner you. They’re the way you experience the world, what you pay attention to, what you derive deep satisfaction and value from, and how you like to engage life and others. A trait is a persistent quality of our essential identity. Examples are optimism, caring, courage, and enthusiasm.

What you both value doing (traits) and do extremely well (talents) is what you were Designed to do—your calling. Activities that are aligned with your Design give you energy rather than sap it. You don’t tire of them. You have to be told to stop doing them. You do them when you should be eating lunch. You would do them even if you didn’t get paid. They fire you up. When you are expressing your design, you have no longings to do something different. Something better, yes. More opportunity, of course. A bigger stage, more impact…sure. But you don’t yearn to do something fundamentally different.

It’s inspiring to believe that each of us are perfectly designed to fulfill our real dreams; that our traits, talent and interests are sign posts to the road of our greatest possible life.  But I’ve found it take more than understanding and inspiration to actually live a Dream Life.  It requires changing how you think, what you feel, and what you do.  Every decision you make either takes you closer to your Dream Life or further away from it. Yes once you think about it, it’s clear that to live an extraordinary life, extraordinary choices are necessary.  Once, when I was deeply confused my father advised me, “Be who you are and do what you came for.” It was his way of telling me not to be a fake Beatle.

I don’t know what your dreams are or what your extraordinary choices should be.  I can only challenge you to consider your choices and make them. All of us are ultimately responsible for our own lives. Our lives are our anthem. But spending our life imagining what it might sound like doesn’t do any good. Pick up your microphone and belt it out.

This article was originally published in The Deluxe Knowledge Quarterly KQ2 2008.

Make Yourself Depression Proof in the Economic Crisis

This feels like an economic apocalypse.  Everyday we are being psychologically carpet-bombed with news of job layoffs, foreclosures and bailouts.  And whether we’ve taken a direct hit with a job loss or are only suffering the collateral damage of stress and worry, it’s time to move from the war zone.  There is a land of hope and opportunity just beyond this stormy sea and you will see it clearly when you quit looking out and begin to look in.

We must create our own opportunities.  Now more than ever.  It’s the nature of industrial capitalism to make all jobs generic.  That way labor is just a unit of cost.  Nobody’s special; everyone’s replaceable.  Humans are made cogs in a giant worldwide money machine.  This is the major issue of our career future.  A study from the University of California at Berkeley estimates that as many as 14 million current U.S. jobs could be lost in the next 10 years.  Such a job extinction could increase structural unemployment to nearly 12%.  That’s more than a recession; that’s a tragedy.  The biggest body count is likely to be among the young (ages 15-40).  They are coming into the workforce with little experience and often with inadequate education.  Not much to trade in the swap meet of hyper competitive world labor.

Many business leaders, economists, and the business press say such a job destruction is healthy, as if human lives are ripe for pruning like a fruit tree.  They tell us, grow up, face reality.  It’s the business cycle at work.  Well, it’s not inevitable.  It’s a choice.  It’s the result of economic, trade, education and tax policy.  It’s a choice today’s leadership class is making.  After all, their kids will have trust funds.  So, not to worry.  In the large sweep of history, change always creates casualties they tell us.  It even has a name…creative destruction.  It doesn’t sound so good if it’s your life that’s being creatively destroyed, however.

Such thinking is wrong.  The companies that are growing most profitably are those that conduct business differently than their competitors.  Fortune Magazine recently published its annual list of the 100 best companies to work for.

Mostly they have one thing in common, they put employees first and rely on those employees to come up with constant innovations to reduce costs and increase value.  Companies like Costco, Southwest Airlines, Starbucks, WL Gore, Netflix, eBay, Google, SAS Institute are not just great places to work, they are great engines of human capitalism.

When we face the truth we understand that no matter who signs our paycheck, we are all self-employed.  All jobs are contingent.  If you are going to work for someone, only work for the industry leaders who are successful by not competing on price, but creating new, mind blowing value for customers.  These are companies that have few direct competitors.  They’re different.  They have leaders who embrace social responsibility and environmental sustainability.  They are both large and famous and small and unknown.  They exist in nearly every city and town in America.

But whether you work for a great enterprise or for yourself, the future of jobs is going to look like a war.  Huge explosions of new technology and new competitors that will obliterate companies, change industries and create un-thought of opportunities.  My message is don’t be a casualty.

But there is an answer.  As far as I can tell, the only answer.  It has three dimensions:

1.    Express your design. What makes you different is what makes you valuable, irreplaceable.  Self-knowledge is essential to your future.  Ultimately we are valued for who we are (traits and talents) more than what we know.  If we find ourselves in jobs where we cannot positively express our unique gifts; if we are only valued for our generic skills, the clock is ticking.  It’s only a matter of time before someone hungrier, smarter, and cheaper will take your place.  Only you, the unique you, can’t be duplicated.  Be you.

2.    Pursue your desire. Excellence at any endeavor requires strategic persistence.  This is consistent striving combined with readily embracing feedback, results and reality so that successful adjustments can be made.  If we are trying to achieve someone else’s goals that don’t give us a personal buzz, we will not excel over time.  We simply won’t do what it takes to be amazing.  Being amazing requires inner motivation.  Competing with someone else’s frantic ambition is not a serious problem if our motivation is intrinsic.  We will do well because we enjoy doing more than necessary.  If we are just racing to win a medal, we will lose to many who will simply out train us.

3.    Make love your prime motive. Daniel Goleman has shown that Emotional Intelligence is essential to career success.  Emotional Intelligence is a fancy term for understanding our design and being clear on our desires combined with emotional maturity, empathy and collaboration.  Emotional maturity frees us from acting on fear and fires us with love.   Empathy and collaboration are the pillars of social wisdom.  Empathy and collaboration are not primarily skills, although lots of company training programs try to teach you how to listen empathically and behave collaboratively.  But like words without music, the outer action without inner conviction is empty.  Love makes the quality of empathy and richness of collaboration work.  When love is your prime motive, everyone feels it.  They act better, think better and do better.

In today’s hyper collaborative world, people with high social wisdom are the first hired and the last fired.  They are the connective tissue of enterprise, the glue between company and customer, management and workforce.

Although the power of love can be expressed over fiber optic cable through voice (telephone) or data (email), there is nothing more powerful than personal presence. Thus, the most global proof jobs of the future are those that require us to be in a specific place with specific people to express our design.  Often, these careers combine personal service, high skill and individualized creativity.  If you want to be indispensable, make your personal presence a central part of the value you bring others.  Engage people with love.

The answer in a nutshell:  Don’t compete, be unique.  You already are.  Just turn up the volume.

Wanted: Hero

In the wake of the current economic crisis is it any wonder that we look to someone, anyone to save us from the impending gloom that greets us daily in the news. It is astounding to think that this crisis would effect one man to such a degree that he would literally kill himself, and his entire family (Los Angeles Times Article). What perceptions would lead this man to believe that death, and putting an end to the life of himself and his family would be a better course of action than making the most of what he had? In times like this our fears and perceptions can eat in to our souls like demons and distort our view of reality. At one point in our lives, I am fairly sure that all of us have felt despair, perhaps even to the point were the very desire to live was lost. If you look back upon those moments now, you can see that the response was warranted, and as bad as things may have been, they were never as bad as you feared; the storm passed, the sun arose, and you lived to experience a thousand small moments that made life worthwhile.

Two of our greatest fictional hero’s, Superman and Batman, were born of a time much like our own when the economy seemed to be spiraling out of control and our time honored institutions seemed to be in decay. In an interesting article simply titled “Superman and Batman”, Cliff Jacobs points out in great detail how each of them represent both our ideals (Superman) and our fears (Batman), and discusses the heroic manner in which each are dealt with. In times of crisis, feeling as though we have no control, it is only natural that we would look to a hero to free us from the dire consequences of our own fears. Superman and Batman are of course fictional characters, but everything they stand for exists within us. Like the words in the song “People as Places” by Modest Mouse, the journey for answers leads back to us:

“To answer a question
It’ll probably take more
If you’re already there
Well then you probably don’t know
Well we were the people
That we wanted to know
And we’re the places that we wanted to go
It’s hard to get hold of
And hard to let go
Always something we look for
From the day we were born
Instead we’re the people that we wanted to know
And we’re the places that we wanted to go
Yeah we’re the places that we wanted to go
We’re the places that we wanted to go”

You might feel that the course of world events is outside of our hands, your congress person, or senator, may not have the foresight and integrity to listen the emails they receive from you and their other constituents (if this is the case, keep trying, and vote them out of office if they can’t seem to get the idea that they work for you). Unscrupulous charlatans will use your fears against you, they will offer to save you from your fears in exchange for more power. They will relieve you of your responsibilities, and much, much, more. We should support those among us who can raise to the occasion of histories great challanges, and help us to overcome the adversity that passes through time like the dark clouds of a powerful storm, but never at the price of our own power. We are the Knight in Shining Armor, We are Superman, and together we will confront the challenges of history while holding fast to our rights, our liberties, our freedoms, and our power.

The fact of the matter is you do have control, but “the impossible” might take a little while. What you do have control over right now, is your own ideals and fears. You can choose to stand by your ideals, conquer your fears, and fight for what is right no matter how long it takes. Or you can entrust the task someone else at the cost of your own power, and hope they don’t use it against you in the end.

You can be Batman!

You can be Superman!

What is the greatest thing you can do to stand by your ideals, and conquer your fears?

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